Monday, November 8, 2010

Squawk

I guess the blah blah meta posts come about when the writer wants to see something new on the page but the muse is late with deliveries again. Let's see what I've got in my pockets. We community living hippies are disfunctional. We (most of us) haven't been attending organizing meetings and the budget it needs finishing and there's always something that needs starting or completing. However, we're very good at potlucks. Last night we celebrated the eleventh anniversary of the whole place. Even had some singing which was fun. But the discipline to try and organize life is lacking. The group explicitly chose to use a consensus process. And that just makes me think of endlessly spinning wheels. I'll be attending a committee meeting tomorrow night and then the monthly meeting on Sunday to at least support those who are trying to make things happen. It's a weird dynamic.

Just remembered that we're supposed to be taking girl scout cookie orders this month. I've sent an email at work. We'll tramp the pavement this weekend and see how it goes. Lexi is enjoying her Daisies meetings and Katy is still mad she's not going to her group this year. I think it's fair to trade off since I can only bear to do one group and Nod can't help at all in the evenings this year. I'll strike at fairness even if I inevitably fall short.

I've put up schizo curtains in my bedroom. We had paper shades on the windows since we moved in but last weekend I had the hardware and the gitupandgo to put up curtains. But I didn't have matching curtains. I have one long beige-y panel that reaches to the floor on one side. And a big floral on white pair that come just below the window sill on the other side. I thought it was kind of funny to put them both up. I thought I'd get a strong sense of what I wanted by being able to compare. But I like them both in their own ways. So now what? The floral pair are from the catholic thrift store and unreplicatable. The long panel is from Target and it looks recent enough that I can probably match it. So I guess I've talked myself into using long panels in our room and then I can move the floral over to the guest bedroom which only has one window. But I think I like the short ones best. I persist in waffling.

I have had some more moments of wondering what I am doing in this marriage. I'm not leaving but I am looking for some clarity. I would like to feel I'm not hitting myself in the head repeatedly. I sometimes wonder if I am afraid of competent people and feel better when I'm around the feckless. [The progress report is that Nod is successfully moving through this appliance repair courses and doing his part time job. He says he's encouraged by students who started a semester or two ahead of him who have come back to talk about the job's they've gotten since graduating. The latest crappy development is that his car blew a timing belt on the highway and we had to have a valve rebuilt so that's $2K we weren't budgeting for.] I concluded one tail chasing session with the thought that as long as my spouse isn't keeping me from being myself then I can keep on. It may be rocky and harder than it would be with someone more employed/employable. But at least I can feel like it's an adventure I'm choosing and not a dead-end grinding me down. That there's a pile of rationalization. But there's something to it. Still chasing tail. Ho ho ho.

7 comments:

amenaneri said...

Weeeeelllll.... My opinion is that Nod is eminently employable--smart, creative, dedicated, loyal (also things that make him a great spouse, BTW). There are just some barriers to the expression of that, and the fulfillment of that (i.e. actually getting a job that he can really do/excel at/enjoy). I don't know what the barriers are, since I haven't talked to him in so long, but I assert that something happened a couple of years ago that left him disempowered and chasing his own tail. In my opinion, it's since he stopped working for the Water/River Non-Profit.

I can get that he will likely get a job as an appliance repair person (which is nothing to sneeze at in this economy), but I really can't get that he'll really be happy in his brain/soul doing that for very long. That's just my 2 cents as an observer in the whole thing.

I love you both, and think that on the whole, being married to him has been good for you, but I really do get how hard it is to have an un/under-employed husband. Been there, done that. The difference in my experience of life (and his) since he's loved his job (for the last 4 years) is drastic.

There's nothing more horrible for a husband (and it's probably doubled for a father) than not providing for his family. So, have some compassion, but man, is there a way you can really stand for him NOT selling out on himself or his dreams (whatever those may be that are abandoned on the KS roadside...)?

Call me anytime if you want to talk instead of chasing your thoughts around your brain alone.

AliBlahBlah said...

When it rains my husband doesn't work. It is frustrating for both of us - and I too wonder all the time if life wouldn't be easier in s different path. I like your rationalization that he's not stopping you from fulfilling any of your dreams. Need to remember that one.

Nimble said...

AM: yeah, I am probably exaggerating his fecklessness. But as to his nonprofit roots, I think he feels like he's seen it and done it and it's time for something more tangible. Selling out would be if he could make a living working nonprofit here (not possible) and chose instead a more lucrative job offer (where can we get one of those?). You are the guardian angel for our best impulses.

Ali: It's good to think about these things. I want to keep hope, respect and humor. And try to get a fresh perspective when I can.

Bee said...

I think about this (the marriage question) all of the time. I'm (still!) not above being jealous of other people's husbands and their marriages. We all have our own road to hoe, I know that; and every road is hard in its own way, I believe that wholeheartedly; but still.

As for appliance repair, though: It seems like there have been all sorts of articles lately about how important it is to be able to do things with your hands . . . and how empowering it is to be able to FIX things. We desperately need people with practical skills. Frankly, we were probably sold a crock with our liberal arts degree. Work is, a lot of the time, just work. Maybe we romanticize it too much. It's another late 20th century pressure we put on ourself.

It's really, really hard to be absolutely fair all the time . . . parenting-wise. Sigh. I will confess that I hate meetings of all kinds, whether they be Girl Scout types or community ones.

Nimble said...

Oh Bee, I can just imagine you after watching twenty minutes of six year old girls doing (or not doing) the assigned girl scout project. And then getting up with a polite smile on your face and striding out into the fresh air of freedom.

Bee said...

Believe me I have done my time with that kind of thing . . . and still do; you will finding me working at the Christmas Fayre tomorrow . . . but yes, it's with more duty than joy. (I was up at school today and I saw three women who, I'm pretty sure, thrive on meetings and such.)

I've got a big dose of wild unsocialized self for sure. Have you seen Little Children? I was watching it this afternoon(while I was chopping fruit for fruitcake)and I did identify, some, with the Kate Winslet character.

Nimble said...

@Bee, no I haven't seen Little Children yet.