Friday, August 15, 2014

Exhale slowly

Relaxing more into the new job. First workshop for me to assist with is next Friday and I've stopped getting the adrenaline rush (shallow breaths, alarmed guts) just thinking about it. I won't present, just smile supportively and answer questions if asked. I'll attend some other sessions next week and then get more experience by setting up the a/v equipment and so on. I was told it would be a gradual process but was afraid of being dropped into the deep end and revealing my incompetencies. Funny to see my brain ignore information because of Fear. The other parts are going well, I can tell I'm taking up some slack and giving the team some ability to do more. My manager is overwhelmed, I wonder if that is a constant state or if it will settle out during the semester.

We're moving. Is this because my summer of responsibility is not a summer after all but a new era? The plan is to sign a lease this weekend to start September 15. A week or so ago I saw a for rent sign on one of my top pick blocks for relocating. I didn't want to move in August but took down the info anyway. We are friends with two other families on this block. It's just over the district line so in the fullness of time our girls can go to the high school near the campus where I work. They will keep going to their current elementary and middle schools. In fact Kat will be moving closer so she'll have a half block walk to middle school. Bun will add three blocks her her school walk and I'm a bit concerned. But there are possibilities... curtailing overly detailed discussion of complicated child delivery systems.

We went to see the house and it's everything I want. It has hard wood floors, 3BR, 2BA, garage, fenced backyard, full basement and locationlocationlocation. It's small, I don't want anything too big to clean. But enough room for me. I think it will be a bit small for Nod. He may feel constrained. What he told me was that it lacks some elements in his sweet spot: a porch being first on the list. It's a single level ranch which is his least favorite design and the layout reminds us both of his mother's house (oy!). But he said he can tell how much the rest of us like it and he is willing to defer to our desires. The rent is just slightly more than we pay now. The landlord seems conscientious and maybe even sweet. She and partner lived in the house until they moved to the country. It's been rented to just one family for the last five years. Everything is in good condition (better condition than I had hoped for in a rental) except for a roof issue that is being dealt with.

We are ready to move out of the co housing place. I will be sad to say goodbye to the network we have been participating in for more than four years. But I will be glad to let go of the crankiness and the uncertainty of group decision making. Namaste to my neighbs. I hope to participate in some things in the future there. But I realize that we have experienced hurt feelings when people have moved out so I should expect that to happen to those we are bidding farewell.

I am remembering that good stress is still stress. I went walkjogging twice this week, probably should have gone this morning. My favorite part of exercising in the morning is when I get home and bend over at the waist. I keep my knees as straight as possible and take several breaths until I can touch the floor. I visualize my lower back releasing and extending. It feels great. Maybe I am learning to take on more responsibility and have a more active role in navigating life. Curious. I've heard that hormonal changes at my time of life may result in lowered female hormones and higher expression of male hormones. My yang age? If true this trend will be interesting to combine with my self image as a grumpy rabbit.

Start of school has exhausted the kids but I think they are happy to have new things to think about. Kat is also very excited about packing. She asked me to go to the liquor store to ask for boxes a few nights ago. We have filled a few. The kids have packed all the important stuffed animals that they won't need until late September.

Friday, August 8, 2014


Wish I had time to fiddle with bkgrd image but nope. Just dumping for now. Have been reluctant to take much responsibility in the work setting before now. Part was not wanting to be wrong, not wanting to be point person, impose my will on others. Part was entirely selfish, save my attention and energy for my own stuff. I need plenty of that, I am not a high energy person, there is a limited amount to go around. I like to do things over and over until I am comfortable with them before pressure is applied.

I was worried about having to step in as the instructor of training workshops. That may not be this month but will happen eventually. I do not feel fluent with PowerPoint or presentation equipment so it feels like a big step. For now I am using tools I am mostly familiar with and trying to cram as much Blackboard info into my head as I can. That feels like more solid ground.

This NPR story yesterday evening left me gobsmacked. Four months of walking for an hour a day did not affect the participants' blood sugar levels. Only the ones doing alternated high/low effort walking showed good results. No wonder I had to add some jogging to get any results, walking by itself just wasn't getting much reaction from my body.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014


Living with stress, how do people do it? I had to go to bed at 9p on Monday evening. I got through some difficult calls and have learned by doing a few things the hard way. I can look forward to more of that. I think I have shed Monday's load of 'am I good enough?' and am feeling like I can do a few things to earn my hay.

Kids and husband are being very supportive. Even the dog and cat seem particularly affectionate. 90 days is my goal and I think I need to take it month by month. Getting through August will make me feel proud. September and October are fairly unimaginable right now.

Realizing that I have never sought challenge in my jobs and there may be perfectly good psychological reasons for that. Having to stretch is ...interesting.

Have hit the part of the summer where I just want the A/C to work and I don't want to be bitten by mosquitoes. Nod has been going to the pool, he loves to get in the water. His work van has no A/C at the moment and I think that's a scandal.