Friday, August 15, 2014

Exhale slowly

Relaxing more into the new job. First workshop for me to assist with is next Friday and I've stopped getting the adrenaline rush (shallow breaths, alarmed guts) just thinking about it. I won't present, just smile supportively and answer questions if asked. I'll attend some other sessions next week and then get more experience by setting up the a/v equipment and so on. I was told it would be a gradual process but was afraid of being dropped into the deep end and revealing my incompetencies. Funny to see my brain ignore information because of Fear. The other parts are going well, I can tell I'm taking up some slack and giving the team some ability to do more. My manager is overwhelmed, I wonder if that is a constant state or if it will settle out during the semester.

We're moving. Is this because my summer of responsibility is not a summer after all but a new era? The plan is to sign a lease this weekend to start September 15. A week or so ago I saw a for rent sign on one of my top pick blocks for relocating. I didn't want to move in August but took down the info anyway. We are friends with two other families on this block. It's just over the district line so in the fullness of time our girls can go to the high school near the campus where I work. They will keep going to their current elementary and middle schools. In fact Kat will be moving closer so she'll have a half block walk to middle school. Bun will add three blocks her her school walk and I'm a bit concerned. But there are possibilities... curtailing overly detailed discussion of complicated child delivery systems.

We went to see the house and it's everything I want. It has hard wood floors, 3BR, 2BA, garage, fenced backyard, full basement and locationlocationlocation. It's small, I don't want anything too big to clean. But enough room for me. I think it will be a bit small for Nod. He may feel constrained. What he told me was that it lacks some elements in his sweet spot: a porch being first on the list. It's a single level ranch which is his least favorite design and the layout reminds us both of his mother's house (oy!). But he said he can tell how much the rest of us like it and he is willing to defer to our desires. The rent is just slightly more than we pay now. The landlord seems conscientious and maybe even sweet. She and partner lived in the house until they moved to the country. It's been rented to just one family for the last five years. Everything is in good condition (better condition than I had hoped for in a rental) except for a roof issue that is being dealt with.

We are ready to move out of the co housing place. I will be sad to say goodbye to the network we have been participating in for more than four years. But I will be glad to let go of the crankiness and the uncertainty of group decision making. Namaste to my neighbs. I hope to participate in some things in the future there. But I realize that we have experienced hurt feelings when people have moved out so I should expect that to happen to those we are bidding farewell.

I am remembering that good stress is still stress. I went walkjogging twice this week, probably should have gone this morning. My favorite part of exercising in the morning is when I get home and bend over at the waist. I keep my knees as straight as possible and take several breaths until I can touch the floor. I visualize my lower back releasing and extending. It feels great. Maybe I am learning to take on more responsibility and have a more active role in navigating life. Curious. I've heard that hormonal changes at my time of life may result in lowered female hormones and higher expression of male hormones. My yang age? If true this trend will be interesting to combine with my self image as a grumpy rabbit.

Start of school has exhausted the kids but I think they are happy to have new things to think about. Kat is also very excited about packing. She asked me to go to the liquor store to ask for boxes a few nights ago. We have filled a few. The kids have packed all the important stuffed animals that they won't need until late September.


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