Friday, November 4, 2022

Not Really There Yet

Have to get the gravestones off the top of the page. 

== :: **** :: ==
The sycamore tree threw down what looked like an entire big tree's worth of leaves on Tuesday. But there are still lots up in the branches! That tree is an overachiever and always has something to throw down. We are wading through the big crunchy surf when we go down the front steps. I didn't think I would need to rake after mowing leaves into the lawn but I have to get the steps clear at least. Which is good because it means my dead leaf hoarding can continue. I use leaves for the compost pile and fear running out of them. I try to tuck several big bags of them into the shed every fall.

== :: **** :: ==

This week I remotely attended (watched many Zoom sessions of) an online education conference. It was alienating. I have had a hard time with in-person professional conferences in the past. I love the anonymous business travel aspect - hotel room all to myself? oh yes! Exploring a new city and running around in a conference center - fun! But aside from attending interesting topics and enjoying good presenters I have a hard time deciding what my goals are. Networking with complete strangers? Oh no, that's difficult. I don't want to be a presenter and have never had a job that required it. I could do it at this point because I see that often it consists of just sharing a description of work methods and data gathered during a defined window. Impersonator syndrome, sometimes called perceived fraudulence - why yes! Feeling like a naughty kid getting away with the hotel and fancy snacks and travel usually balances that out. Not so much when it's all conducted in the box of my computer screen.

I had a crying breakdown during one overview session where attendees were encouraged to download an app for an in-conference game. My phone is old and doesn't have room for more apps and I didn't want to do it and just felt so not into what was happening. Some of my sadness/grief is related to job hunting and not having parenting as my central purpose any more. The online conference stuff threw in some more existential stuff and I just felt like walking away from the laptop and never having to communicate through a screen ever again. What is real? Can there be authentic connection without any in person time? Of course there can but I just want to be able to get a job and go to a place and be helpful to some people. 

Easier said than done so far. <howl of frustration>

== :: **** :: ==

Nod and I talked about picking an arbitrary date to work towards as moving day. I picked the end of March. Maybe this will help embody the amorphous mountain of relocating chores that have to be done. For a picayune example, the hooligan cat knocked over another cactus and spilled dirt on two shelves of books in the upstairs office. Most of these books belong to my daughters and I don't know whether they want any of them. I will take a picture and have tell me if there are keepers. I suppose I'll clean the dirt off first. Freddie gets up there so he can chew on the leaves of the spider plant that hangs down from the top shelf. It's his butt swinging around that knocks things off of the lower shelf. I *think* I have things rearranged so that won't happen again.  

Thanksgiving is shaping up, turkey's ordered and I got the ABQ plan communicated to MIL so we can all discuss it openly. She's been very supportive by email so far. I needed some time to feel ownership of that idea before letting her in on it.    

== :: **** :: ==

The biz that's opening across the street from the high school near where I work turns out to be a donut shop. I find this very cheerful and hope they are a big success. 

No comments: